The Morning Train

Dear Slimy Man-Weevil,

Listen, somewhere around the birth of my second child I lost all sustainable patience for social blathering, and as much as a part of me is cringing right now and saying, "hey, he's a lonely miserable person, squashing him like a bug might help the gene pool but it won't help him, you should be nice," there is another part of me that insists that all efforts at niceness have failed and is sincerely interested in triggering open the train doors and pushing you through them on a daily basis because I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

Now that I have three children, I can assure you, my patience is worn very thin. Plus, I have to babysit my boss all day, isn't that exciting. FYI, at about this point in time the only thing I want to spend any time learning is the proper way to knuckle a speedbag, because at least then I can imagine it is the same misshapen balloon as your head.

First of all, if you're talking to a woman and all she talks about to you is her husband and children, she's really not looking at you in the "run away with this guy" category. She's looking at you as a head with ears. While that head with ears is a very important feature to women everywhere, there are thousands, nay, millions of them the world over, and we're pretty good at finding them when we want to. It is not an invitation to end your loneliness by proceeding to spend every morning for the rest of eternity trying to figure out which train she will be on and then catching it. By the way, point of reference, has it ever occurred to you that the reason she's never on the same train 2 days in a row is because she doesn't want to deal with this?? Feel free to be paranoid.

Please keep in mind that she doesn't dislike you any more than she dislikes anyone else, she is in fact in an easily victimized position because the objective after all is to teach the children how to tolerate and be nice to other people even when they're horribly annoying and have stinky breath. However, if you insist on sitting on the train every morning and staring at her from beneath your fake-sleeping eyelids, she may change her mind and teach them all to wield 2-handed swords by the age of 12. It will be your fault.

Secondly, if you're talking to a woman and all she talks about to you is her husband and children, she's really not subliminally suggesting that she in fact wants you to call her sexy and beautiful and make all kinds of hinting and direct remarks about how nice it would be, gee is she sure she doesn't want to run away with you. They were sort of (underline that, sort of, as in not quite, not really, not almost, slightly offset, akilter, 2 steps to the left of) just shy of tolerably amusing ONE and ONLY ONE TIME. The other FIFTEEN HUNDRED TIMES were uninvited OVERKILL. At this point, you may correctly assume that she is talking incessantly about husband and children because YOU SHOULD TAKE THE HINT AND CHANGE THE FRICKIN' SUBJECT.

Thirdly, if you're talking to a woman and all she talks about to you is her husband and children, she's really not asking for hints about your sexual interests and inclinations. While she might appreciate the reserve with which you are kindly NOT going into detail, the fact that you insist on hinting at it despite every responding request or attempt to change the subject should in fact be a GLARING HINT at why you're so miserably LONELY IN THE FIRST PLACE. She SINCERELY does NOT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR INTEREST IN BONDAGE, SEX TOYS, or INTERNET and VIDEO GAME PORN.

Please, learn this:

The lines and thought processes that don't work on the fashion models REALLY DON'T WORK ON US AVERAGE FOLKS, EITHER. And being average, we are not racks to capture your drool. We are not dopey, dippy, stupid, bovinesque creatures just longing to be dragged from the drudgery of our milk-filled lives. We are not hormonally raging internet porn princesses waiting for you to stop by and demonstrate the electronic orgasm. We are not interested in repeating on multiple occasions that we are not in fact interested in any subject other than home, work, husband, kids, weather, cars, and current government issues. We do not feel obligated to discuss any other subjects with you. While we may feel an outdated and old-fashioned social obligation to be polite and pleasant, must it really be necessary to arm ourselves with large heavy objects, cans of pepper spray, and a small contingent of bodyguards to get the actual point across?? Can you not understand that with each day that passes in this manner, we cease to consider you human and we do not believe for one moment that you are anything less than the next serial killer waiting to happen??

Please, please, please, TAKE THE HINT and NOTE THE FOLLOWING:

Politeness and patience are not signs of weakness. They are what make civilization possible. If we do not respond to your verbal hints, moody staring, and insistent repetition, no matter how many times or ways you repeat it, WE ARE REALLY AND TRULY NOT INTERESTED IN YOU.

And by all means, please do remember this:

We keep telling you about our husbands and children BECAUSE WE LIKE THEM.

Hope to hell you're listening,

Sincerely,

Not Interested